An Open Letter To "The One" Who Used To Give A Damn.

Dear Human, You used to go out of your way for me and we used to have that kind of love that made others want to throw up. You were so different from anyone else I'd ever been with and maybe that's because you knew what it was like to be alone and too independent to the point where it got you into trouble. It wasn't until you showed up that I didn't have to go through my 3 hour anxiety attacks alone; even when I wouldn't admit it and I'd tell you I was fine, you still sat there with me until I found my breath. You gave me purpose and you helped me remember what it was like to love someone again. We had our moments, but it was from fear. We went though rocky situations and our trust was on the back burner regardless of how much we loved each other. I soon realized that after I fought while you lay in a pool of selfishness. You were there when I went through the upmost difficult trials, but you pushed me away as soon as you went through any sort of turmoil or rough waters. You invaded your own ship and sunk it before I could even patch pieces of it up and you came to me after the damage was unrepairable. To watch you sink before my very eyes is a different form of loss, it's more painful than someone who gets a grave because in this case you're too lost to even find peace in the ground. This was all new to me and I was experiencing true heartache. You dragged love out and used it as a punchline and I stood there as a punching bag because I thought I could help if you took it out on me. I couldn't even catch my breath this time and I was sitting there saying I loved you back to someone who wasnt current in my life, but was just presenting themselves when necessary. You used to give a damn, and maybe that's because when we were together you stopped your old habits that you relied on so much. You used to rely on me and I used to be your human. Even as friends you continued to hurt me and I took it because I thought you'd change. You used to tell me that I needed to truly love myself, but you never really loved yourself. All of these self destructing ways inhabited your blood stream and you lost sight of yourself and the ones who love you, you lost sight of the love I had for you. You know those relationships where you try to save a person and it backfires so you knit pick everything you do? Well that was me in all of this. I kept thinking I was the reason for this self destruction that you endured, but when you kept doing it when I wasn't present in your life, I soon gathered evidence that it wasn't me. You were never accountable for you actions and I truly believe I was the only solid person in your life who didn't feed you bullshit. I gave it to you straight and you didn't like that. You made me out to be this monster, but that was you. All of the fear you ever had about love ate you alive. I could say that I hate you, but I don't. I'm sad for you and I get it, but I don't hate you. You put that upon youself and now you need to save the rest of who are because you don't even give a damn about your own internal personal growth. You have so much potential, but you keep throwing that away and you keep hiding the truth behind the little devil that sits perked up on your shoulder whispering "sweet advice" in your ear. And sure you take it because it's all you've got and you believe it. I used to give a damn, but now I don't. I'll always love you, but you're not my human anymore and I'm not yours. Please find a way to truly love yourself and please find a way to mean it. After all, we used to breathe together. Please give a damn, because I still do. -B